Having a “connection” and “so much in common” doesn’t cut it.These are not the same as truly knowing a person or being truly vulnerable and yourself within a relationship that has grown and fostered deep emotional intimacy.We can have intimate moments with people, we can share intimate pieces of information, but that doesn’t mean that we’re experiencing the intimacy that many of us actually desire in our relationships.This misunderstanding of intimacy is why many people wake up in relationships where they feel quite attached to somebody and feel as if they have “so much in common” but they’re hungry and either not going in the same direction or feeling an ever-growing void emerging. When we don’t truly understand what intimacy is, an imbalance will exist in the relationship because one person leads and one person takes their cues – the whole driver and passenger issue that permeates every unhealthy and struggling relationship.They can become serious disagreements once the initial excitement of new love becomes the comfort of secure love. You don’t have to agree on everything – just the important things.Before you marry, consider “must have conversations” on these topics: You’ve probably already talked about most of these topics – at least to some degree. Use your time of courtship and engagement to explore the serious and controversial issues that are ahead of you. It does mean you should pause and study this issue more carefully.We also need to be more emotionally smart and go through the discovery phase of dating and build a relationship over time rather than trying to force ripen an involvement with Fast Forwarding, which in itself is also a means of avoiding intimacy and realness that ultimately ends up leaving you feeling empty due to the lack of substance. If we do not know the difference between us and another person, if we are in unhealthy relationships, and if we are ultimately basing who we are around possible reactions, we are not experiencing relationships with intimacy.
This doesn’t change much in marriage except there are more things to disagree about.
Think back to a past relationship with a Mr / Miss Unavailable: Maybe one of you talked about your problems or ideas more, and even played armchair psychologist.
Maybe you were a Florence Nightingale trying to fix/heal/help/change them with an underlying desire and need to fill a void and be validated.
I’m also not alone in having felt a ‘connection’ to people because of what they ‘activated’ in me that reminded me of one or both of my parents or that tapped into old issues.
Hell, I thought that if a person cried on me, told me about how their pet budgie died when they were seven or how much they disliked one or both of their parents, or even wanted to get into my pants faster than the speed of light, that these were ‘intimacy’ Intimacy takes time, experience, and vulnerability.